Waking Up Some More

My mind typically operates on one speed. Racing. If I wake in the night, the biggest challenge I have is trying to fall asleep again before my mind gears up. I don't often succeed at that challenge. And so instead of lying in my bed letting my mind take over, I usually get up and read or write. Such was the case at 4:30 am this morning. As I caught up on some blog reading, I came across Bobbie's latest post. She describes beautifully an "a-ha" moment she had yesterday. A moment where shame and guilt and self loathing were replaced with insight, new understanding and grace. Not a character defect, inadequacy or laziness, but a recognized difficulty with the way her brain works or doesn't work. The "click" that happens when missing pieces of the puzzle are put in place, when release and freedom and healing are so real you can feel it in your bones, in every muscle, in every fibre of your being.

I needed to read that this morning. How ironic that I read about her journey into further understanding of her mind as I sit awake with my own mind, racing and ruminating and fragmented.

For Bobbie, it is the "a-ha" moment. Pieces of a puzzle. Others have described it as peeling back layers of an onion. Yesterday, I read Sue Monk Kidd describe it as the Awakening, "waking up, and then waking up some more". Journey, not destination. I know that feeling of waking up some more, and then a little more. The light of morning that comes after a dark night. Yet, after so many years of slumber, it's hard to shake off the sleepiness. The groggy, lethargic feeling that pulls at you to lie down again.

This morning, in the few remaining hours of dark, I chose light. I chose to wake up. I pray for courage, strength, and perseverance as I wake up, and wake up some more.