Boys to Men

Today is Father's Day. I don't like this day. It makes me feel sad. It makes me feel angry. Cynical. Bitter. I have to fight against feeling unworthy. That if I had been a better daughter, then I would be allowed to celebrate this day with my dad. But I wasn't. And so he has taken this away from me too. There are sons and daughters, everywhere, celebrating today. But I'm not allowed to go to that party. I have to find something else to do today.

It's a battle between the heart and mind. Between truth and lies. It's not me. It's him. I want to win the battle today. It takes so much energy, but it takes more out of me when I give in to feeling sad, unworthy. He is only one man. There are many men in my life, many men to celebrate and who want to be honoured and celebrated by me.

And so that's what I'm going to try and do.

My husband. He is a father, but our children aren't with us. I desperately wish they were. He deserves breakfast in bed, homemade cards, tacky ties. I bought him a present anyway. He is beautiful. Strong. Loving and gentle. Logical enough to keep us out of trouble. Funny. Sillier than most kids. Creative. A servant. And he loves me like no man ever has. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me. A living symbol of God's redemption to me of all that wasn't.

My Grampa. "Gramps". He was the best. A Godly man. The biggest servant heart I've ever known. Funny. He smelled so good. He adored me and my sisters, and we knew it. We felt it.

My sisters' husbands. They are gentle, hardworking men. And they love my sisters well. One of them is a father. He is loving and fully present in his kids' lives, and they are crazy about him.

My husband's brother in law. He has a 19 year old daughter, who is the second love of his life after her mother. You can see it in his eyes. He adores her. I have watched their relationship from the time that she was a toddler and have been in awe of it, and at times, so envious. She has been blessed with the gift of knowing her worth, her value as a woman, how she deserves to be loved in a relationship, and that has come from her dad.

I have five nephews. The youngest, an infant; the oldest, in his late teens. They are all very different. Musical. Athletic. Sensitive. A wicked sense of humour. Long hair....too cool. Sweet. Innocent. Inquisitive. I pray for each of them, that they will grow to be whole, Godly men and fathers who live and love well. Their lives have brought so much love to mine.

My father-in-law. The coolest 70-something year old you'll ever meet. He's quirky, funny, deeply spiritual and thoughtful, and loves me unconditionally just like a father should.

Many, many friends who are equal partners in parenting. Who have welcomed their children into their lives and have allowed their hearts to be broken, changed forever by this gift. Who embrace the opportunity to be vulnerable, to love fully and unconditionally and who allow their children to love them back.

All of these men have taught me something through the living of their lives. They have redeemed even the smallest of hurts in me. Hope. Love is possible.

Today, I celebrate each of them.